A Plan and Purpose
For as long as I remember, I never understood why God saved my life. I was born 3 months early and the doctors were pretty sure I wasn't going to make it, due to suspected heart problems. My mom was rushed in for an emergency c-section and immediately after I was born my 2lb self was put on life support. The doctor came out to speak with my dad shortly afterwards and asked him if they could do an autopsy. They weren't sure what exactly was wrong with my heart and wanted to see if whatever it was could be prevented in the future. My dad eventually agreed and the doctor proceeded, even while the nurses protested, wanting to keep trying to save me. But the doctor was certain there was nothing they could do and off came the life support. Shortly after the doctor came back out to my dad and said after they turned it off I perked up and he had no explanation for it. In the days/months that followed my parents were told of the possibility of cerebral palsy, blindness, being smaller than everyone my age (I would totes have taken that one!), and an array of other health problems. With the exception of the heart issue, that ended up being manageable and was corrected when I was 19, I have none of those things. God is amazing!
But it was still hard to think about why I was here. I kept thinking I was supposed to do something big, something that made surviving worth it. I hated when people who heard about my start to life called me a miracle or blessing. I didn't feel like that. I thought God had made a mistake.
I didn't grow up in church. With the little I knew about God from limited church experiences and a brief time in a youth group, I certainly didn't think he had a plan or purpose for my life.
When I was 28 my grandfather became ill pretty suddenly and was hospitalized. We didn't know then that he wouldn't be coming home and it ended up being the first big loss in my family. Before he passed away we were able to say our goodbyes with him still conscious. I remember holding his hand and telling him that I loved him. He squeezed my hand and whispered that he loved me too and in that moment I felt such a sense of peace, like someone wrapping me in a hug. It didn't make sense at the time, we were sad and grieving, but that peace was so intense, I knew he would be okay and so would our family. I remember trying to describe what happened to my dad without much success. At the time I didn't even know what happened and it would be a while before I understood.
I wish that would have been some kind of turning point in my life, but unfortunately it was not. I was in the midst of a terribly toxic relationship that landed me pretty much at rock bottom. At the time it was an awful place to be, but out of it came crazy, amazing blessings.
Two year, and more mistakes later, I met my handsome husband, online, a place I had made fun of multiple people for using! I was fed up with it and ready to be done, smugly thinking I was right all along. I logged in with the intention of deleting my profile when I saw a message from a cute boy. We started talking and before we knew it a month had gone by. I thought he was just a nice guy from Kansas, but nothing would ever happen. I was never leaving Pennsylvania and he didn't want to ever leave Kansas. But the more we got to know each other the more it seemed like something. He came to visit after about 6 months of talking, even though my dad was certain he was going to be a crazy, internet murderer. But alas, everyone ended up loving him. Including me. He loved Jesus, was the sweetest person I ever met and treated me so much better than I ever though I deserved. Did I mention he was handsome?? 😍
It was a long 7 months before I was able to visit him..two thumbs down for expensive flights. It was an awesome trip and suddenly I could see my east coast life start to crumble.
One evening I tagged along to his LifeGroup. They were starting a new study on the Holy Spirit. I knew less about this than I did about God and I had no idea there was a connection. Jason's friend Tyson was telling us a story about a time right after his mom passed away, followed by his father-in-law, followed by finding out he had cancer. He was angry and directing it all towards God. All of a sudden he felt a peace come over him and knew that everything would be okay. I remember sitting in shock in a virtual strangers house wanting to yell at the top of my lungs that I knew that exact feeling! I took the book they were studying home and devoured it. I wanted to know more. I started going to church with a friend and praying, something I had only done at the worst times of my life. But this was different, I felt different and I didn't want to go back.
In December of 2012 I moved to Kansas. It was crazy spontaneous, I was terrified and unsure but it turned out to be the best thing I could have ever done. I met awesome people, had an amazing church and began to grow in Christ more than I ever thought possible. I married my handsome guy, found an adorable rescue dog and had a great Christ centered job that I loved. I should have been completely content. But there were still times I struggled with God's purpose for my life and I tried to find it in everything I did. We went on a missions trip to Greece, something I didn't think I ever wanted to do, but I loved it and I thought maybe that was it, missions work. We struggled with infertility and decided to pursue foster care and adoption and I thought maybe that was it, being a mom, even temporarily. Then we began to feel called to move to Florida and I thought maybe that was it, I was supposed to be somewhere else.
None of those things managed to give me what I was looking for and it wasn't until a particularly convicting moment that I realized they never would. Instead of asking, I was pushing for myself. It might not be one big thing, maybe a hundred little things, but either way it's not up to me.
So now I try to look at every opportunity with purpose, try to give myself grace when I feel like I'm not enough and remember even in the craziness, He is in control.
I love this beautiful prayer from Nicole Symmonds:
Heavenly Father,
Your word in Isaiah 55:9, says, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” And in response to your word I say, “I thank you for being above me and knowing what is best for me.” In this life, we are all searching for our purpose and asking for your will to be done. But let us not be blindsided and naive to think that as we ask, so we are ready for it to be revealed and respond accordingly. I pray that as each of us comes to a point in our lives where we dare to ask you to reveal your will for us, you would put us in a place of acceptance of what you reveal to us. It may not be what we want, but it will surely be what we need in order to live a life fully invested in you. When fear attempts to consume us, be the destroyer of the fear by your perfect love for we know it casts out all fear. When you see that we are tempted to turn back and ignore your will, chasten our spirits and helps us to see that you only want the best for us. Help us to realize that anything you bring into our lives and anything you reveal to us is for our good. Give us a spirit of acceptance and a heart open to your move in our lives. Most of all Lord, let us never get so caught up in seeking you out for a revelation that we forget to seek you, for you. Let us always desire to be with you above all things. Seeking your kingdom first and letting everything else be added afterwords. Letting your love surround us and cast out any fear or doubts. Help us to live in love with you, accept your will for our lives and give us the proper response to your revelation.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen
