Psalm 27:14
I know I've said this before, but unfortunately it's come up again, hopefully for the last time! A few years ago, when we decided to start trying for a baby, and I pretty much assumed it wouldn't be easy. I was adamant that I didn't want to get to a point where I felt like the trying was taking over everything. Until the first time I got Clomid. You can ask my husband how that worked for me :D I'm pretty sure he felt like he was walking on eggshells around me! When Clomid didn't work, I was referred to a a fertility specialist. At that point I really just wanted to find out what the issue(s) were so I could try and fix them, hopefully without the need for additional intervention. Too many tests later, everything looked good. At that point I had been praying and knew God, myself and my husband were on the same page and additional fertility methods weren't for us. I should have said thanks and gone on my way, but the lure of continuing on and potentially getting pregnant quickly won out and I agreed. A few days before I was scheduled to start, I lost my job, and because it was the end of the month, medical benefits as well. Without them we couldn't afford to continue, but I was pretty sure that was a clear sign I should have stuck to my original plan of not going that far.
Cut to almost 4 years later, I was scrolling through Facebook a few weeks ago and saw an ad for a fertility center in Barbados, with claims of IVF and other fertility options for less than it would cost here. I jokingly asked my husband, in front of my dad, if he wanted to spend Christmas in Barbados and my dad asked why. After explaining everything, and since my dad knows our struggle, he said to look into it and he may be able to help us with some of the cost. So I did. I messaged back and forth with them a bit and they said someone would call me to go over my medical history. But no one ever did. So I contacted a specialist in my area. But never heard back. And I wanted to be upset, but again, I knew it wasn't the plan and I tried to push for it anyway. So began lengthy prayers, tears, apologies and repentance. Wanting something for myself, more than what God wants for me, never ends up as good as when I wait on Him. I can't focus on what I can't do. It's cost me tons of time I can't get back. But I can prepare for whatever is next. I know whatever it is, it's not going to be easy, will come with it's own issues that will need prayer and support, but I'm certain it will all be worth it in the end. xo
