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My most complex relationship has always been with my mom. I’ve written about it before, but growing up without her in my life consistently was very difficult. I’m very grateful for Jesus and being able to heal/forgive and the past 10 or so years had a good relationship with her, even though she was across the ocean.

She was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, in addition to MS but she was fighting and went into remission. Then it came back and had spread. She continued treatments but was aware it wouldn’t be a long term solution. Last year her husbands son and family had planned a trip to Disney for this coming October. She was looking forward coming and I was looking forward to seeing her and meeting more family.

In February her husband messaged me and said she took a turn for the worst, and knew we had been planning a call. She was in hospice and doing okay but the timeline was unsure.

We were in a small group at our church at the time and I had told them what was going on so they could pray for her. They ended up offering to pay for a plane ticket for me to go visit her. We truly have the most amazing church family.

I had looked at going mid March, right at Jason and I’s 10th anniversary, having booked a cruise that was not refundable for the last week in March.

I was so nervous to travel across the world alone that I almost didn’t go but I am so grateful I did. I got to spend several days with her before coming home and was feeling so conflicted, missing my family, while so leaving and missing my family. I got home and had less than a week to spend with BB before leaving again, something that broke my heart, but a trip to relax was much needed.

She ended up passing away 2.5 weeks after I visited. It still seems surreal and I often find myself wanting to talk to her or tell her something cute the kids did. I still message her on Discord or Messenger where we would chat, talking to her like I normally would is therapeutic.

4 months later I still feel like I’m struggling but trying my best to lean on God and also let myself feel all the emotions I need to feel. It’s easy for me to tell others that grief has no timeline but find I want to try and rush myself.

I’m praying it will get easier with time..